1. I just dreamt that I was having a contraction
2. Shit I think I just had a contraction
3. It was probably a branston hick
4. I need a wee
5. It’s such a relief to be weeing
6. OH MY SHIT I’m having a contraction on the loo
7. OUCH that REALLY hurts. It’s meant to be mild to start with. WHAT’s GOING ON????
8. “MR UFM wake up. It’s started. I can’t move off the loo.”
9. Phew thank God that’s over
10. Back to bed
11. Nooooooo there’s another contraction. It’s only been 3 minutes.
Ten excruciating contractions of around 3 minute gaps later
13. I’m calling the midwife. The baby’s coming
14. Why is my idiotic husband telling me to relax and have a bath. The baby is COMING.
15. The midwife has told me to call a cab in half an hour. Is she crazy? It’s quite obvious that the baby’s going to arrive ANY SECOND
17. I’ve called a cab and it’s coming in fifteen minutes
18. I don’t want a stinking bowl of porridge! If he doesn’t get the luggage together and get us out of the house in precisely two minutes I’m going to lose the plot.
19. The cab’s here. OMG what if I have the baby in the cab? I don’t want to give birth in a car.
20. What if I poo or wee in the cab?
21. I’m feeling a bit calmer. The cab driver seems nice. Is that Aretha Franklin on the radio? “Say a Little Prayer For….”
23. Phew it’s passed. Feeling better now
24. Aretha’s got a great voice..
25. Shitting hell there’s another one. The baby is COMING!!! I’m going to faint.
26. Hurry the heck up
27. Not too fast. Watch the bumps
28. We’re here. Get the luggage and get me to the labour ward before it pops out.
29. OK we’ve made it to the admissions room. I’m OK! It’s going to be OK.
30. Where are the midwives?
31. There’s another one…I’m going to lean over the chair and see if it helps
32. It does help
33. Why did that midwife just tell me to be nice to the poor chair? Does she think this is FUNNY?
34. Why are they taking so long?
35. She’s about to check me. I’m going to demand an epidural. I can’t take this.
36. What??? I’m only 3cm dilated? Are you KIDDING?? If they send me home I’m going to FREAK OUT!
37. I’m going to straight to the labour ward. Thank goodness.
38. Can’t walk! Need a wheel chair
39. They’ve made me walk.
40. Ooooo this is a nice room. Look at that reclining chair…Mr UFM will love that
40. Another one’s coming. It hurts too much.
41. The midwife’s telling me to breathe. Of course I’m bloody breathing. I’m going to punch her
42. Why did I bother with hypnobirthing? What a load of rubbish
43. Just tried gas and air- it doesn’t work
44. I quite like gas and air
45. GET ME AN EPIDURAL
46. They’re getting me an epidural
47. The anaesthetist is hot
48. I just farted
49. Another one’s coming. I just swore A LOT!
50. He’s administering the epidural and it doesn’t hurt.
51. He’s DONE IT!!
52. I am SO relieved and really embarrassed that I might have said some really bad words in front of everyone
53. I’ve just farted again. What if I do a poo in front of Mr UFM?
54. Wow was that a contraction? I hardly felt it.
55. I LOVE epidurals. This is amazing. Tra la la la la. I love everyone.
56. Let’s watch a movie.
57. I’m hungry
58. They’ve told me I’m only allowed to eat a few sweets. Give me the Percy Pigs.
5 hours later
59. I’m still only 3cm dilated…
4 hours later
60. I’m contracting really well. Can’t wait to see how dilated I am now. Must be at least 8cm!!
61. Just been checked and nothing’s changing. How long will this take?
62. Mr UFM just ate a full on roast in front of me. I’m starving.
63. I want a pizza
64. Or a burger
65. Why has that alarm gone off?
66. What’s happening? Why are all those doctors rushing in?
67. It’s OK. The baby’s heart beat dipped a tiny bit but it’s back to normal. Breathe!!
68. A junior Dr wants to come in and observe. His name is George and he’s ever so sweet. Why not?
69. George is here and I just farted in front of him.
70. George, Mr UFM and I are watching Love Actually and George is eating my sweets. He’s making me feel calmer.
71. The alarms are going off again. I’m going to cry
72. They’ve moved me into a different position and everything is OK again.
4 hours later
73. Just been examined and I’m only 5cms. This surely isn’t normal?
74. I’m exhausted. Going to try and have a sleep
75. Mr UFM has just put a lavender infused flannel on my forehead. I love him so much.
76. We’re going to have a baby soon. I’m so excited.
78. The alarms are going off again. I’m shaking with fear. I want a caesarian. I can’t handle the stress any more.
79. They won’t give me a caesarian.
80. What time is it? I’m confused.
81. Let’s watch Borgen.
82. I LOVE coconut water. It’s the best thing ever.
83. Mr UFM needs to sleep.
84. I kind of want George to go now. He’s talking too much.
85. George has gone for a break.
87. The alarms just went off again. I can’t take it and I’m going to demand a caesarian. Something doesn’t feel right. This has been going on for too long.
88. I’m having a caesarian. Phew!
89. I’m having a caesarian. OMG I’m petrified.
90. Wow there are loads of people in here.
91. They’re all introducing themselves…how friendly.
92. Is that Luther Vandross on the radio?
93. We’re going to be parents in a few minutes.
94. They’re about to start. I’m scared.
95. I can feel tugging. It’s weird.
96. Why does the Dr look stressed?
97. OMG the baby’s stuck in me. It’s sideways. They can’t get it out.
98. Please be OK! Please be OK!
99.They’ve got it out. It’s a girl. Mr UFM is crying. I’m crying. She’s beautiful. I’m overwhelmed. We’ll call her Poppy.
100. This is the best day of my life.