What I’m saying: (to Poppy’s friends) : ‘Poppy, don’t snatch your teddy from *insert name*. That’s not very nice. You need to learn to share.’
What I’m thinking: ‘You go girl! *Insert name* has a cold and is going to snot all over your favourite bear. Grab the teddy and run for your life. ‘
What I’m saying (To the sweet little old lady in Tesco): ‘No she’s not upset. Poppy always looks at people like that when she really likes them.’
What I’m thinking: ‘Poppy is quite obviously petrified of you which is why she’s looking like she’s about to burst into tears. Please will you kindly move away from my child’.
What I’m saying (to Mr UFM): ‘No that’s fine darling. You go out and have a fab time. You deserve it.’
What I’m thinking: ‘Please please come home on time and don’t go out. I’ve been with Poppy all day and I need a break. If you love me you won’t go out. AGHHHHHHHHHHH’.
What I’m saying: ‘Oh my goodness. Poppy’s just done a fart. It’s so smelly.’
What I’m thinking: ‘Tee hee. I love blaming things on the baby’.
What I’m saying: ‘Wow that cuddly bear/bunny/lamb/mouse/penguin is so adorable. Thank you so much. She’ll love that and hasn’t got anything like it.
What I’m thinking: ‘Shit. We haven’t got space for any more cuddly toys. There are already twenty cuddly bears/bunnies/lambs/mice/penguins hidden away in the cupboard. Perhaps some John Lewis vouchers next time?’
What I’m saying: ‘Your baby is sleeping through? That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you’.
What I’m thinking: ‘I’m not actually that happy for you. I’m jealous and tired and tearful and…zzzzzzzzzzz’
What I’m saying (to the in-laws): ‘Sorry the house is such a state’.
What I’m thinking: ‘We’ve just spent four hours cleaning up the house and hiding toys and general toddler detritus under the sofa. We’re living in chaos and this is as good as it gets. I was actually just lowering your expectations what I said the house is a state. I think it looks amazing!’
What I’m saying: ‘Don’t make me laugh. I’m going to pee myself’.
What I’m thinking: ‘It’s too late. I’ve just peed myself’.